I'm now starting to wonder if spending so much time around my sister's home was such a good move. I've been informed by the YMCA that due to my prolonged absence my tenancy will be now be revoked. I have to empty the place before the 1st of January. It all gets so much better...
Ok, so, fair enough. That all wouldn't be so bad if thats all that was going on. I could just move in permanently... However, social services currently have their interfering fingers prized in. Any moment now a hand could dart in and snatch the children away, and where does this leave me?
Completely screwed... Tight and driven right up against the wall.
I feel angry and guilty, aswell as being depressed and in emotional pain.
I've had to shout at the children, which I really don't enjoy. There have been times that I know they really do dislike me because of it. It has to be done though?
Who else is going to do it? Mitch? My sister who spends most of her time on the computer trying to shut the world out, because she doesn't want to deal with it any more. She has put me in a situation that really isn't fair, and I do all this why exactly? Love...
Am I wrong in all of this?
I try and help them, I really do. I've even pulled my sister down a peg or two. It seems to be of no avail though. And she has the audacity to have a go at the children, when in truth she made the rod for her own back.
She does love them very much. She could try showing it in more apt ways though. I've seen my 15 year old niece cry because of everything that has gone on recently. I've had to sit and listen to her talk about it all. And all my sister does is sit and read manga and fan-fics on the pc, completely oblivious to her own daughters pain.
Is this right? How am I supposed to be sympathetic to every one, when It's also pulling my self apart?
I'm not their father, yet social services and many others seem to think I should be playing that role. I can't be expected to live up to that expectation.
In many respects I hate social services. I hate them for what they did to me when I was younger. Yet I can also see where they are coming from now.
I feel as if someone has put me in a washing machine and put it on spin cycle!
There are many point that I agree with social services on. Yet I strongly don't agree with them wanting to take the children away. The situation can be resolved without such drastic action.
Well to top it all off. I went for a job interview at Indesit today and failed to get the position. Feedback came back that I was some what negative during the interview. I honestly didn't think that I was being negative. The support worker from the agency that I am registered with didn't feel that I am a negative person. She was rather pleased with my talk and outlook... I guess thought, it's just not good enough for some people. I'm honest and blunt at times. The interviewer talked about shackletons, even said that she used to work there, and was aware what shackletons could be like. I dislike the place strongly. It never helped me. So why should I give the place a sparkling review when I don't feel that they deserve it. Was I supposed to lie?
*chuckles* And to really add icing to the cake she complained about the fact that I turned up for the interview rather early. This added to a similar complaint at a Jobcenter interview recently. Makes me wonder if that in the last several months I missed a secret memo going about. Saying that being early is a crime these days. I have always been led to believe that to be early was a sign of enthusiasm and willingness.
Well this really does take the damn piss... It has been practically been a month since the fresh start at Choices-UK and still no pay. What do they think they are playing at. First I am told that a 25 hour contract is on the offer, then they only give me 15 hours, and now this? I'm about ready to pull my hair out. Do they fully expect me to live on fresh air? I have bills to pay and heavy bank charges now because of all this.
Oh a more happy note, the diet I have been on for the last week and several days seems to be working. A 6lb loss in one week.
I've been talking to a new friend online. His name is James he is 29 and comes from Devon. At least this person is in the UK. It makes a change from all the americans that I talk to and get frustrated over.
He seems really cool, and we have stuff in common.
Hey awesome! You know about gaming, you know the terms, you even know some cliches and catch phrases. Keep it up! You're on your way to being in the path the truely righteous and special group of nerds in this world. Don't be afraid though, this is the group of glorified and the chosen one of the gods! Give me a message, since I would love to talk to you. Put your score in the subject line!
My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender:
Oh well, it looks like yahoo chat is on its way out. Originally both yahoo.co.uk and yahoo.com had thier java based chat intergrated. Americans could converse with those in the uk through the website. Then they did away with that. They seperated them and came out with some shitty captain chat thingy for the uk'ers through the website.
If that was not bad enough. The uk version of instant messenger had its chat options taken away. Now I see that one cannot get to chat through yahoo.com. It states that java based chat has been done away with. The only way to access chat now is through the american version of messenger. Or through the captain chat shit thingy. More separation from americans and british.
Slowly but surly they are closing elements of chat off. Oh, and don't forget how the bastards closed down all the user rooms. They only left open the public rooms. The excuse was because of legal issues.
What's next, they do away with the american messenger chat element?
It's so not looking good.
lol, talk about this turning into a long rant.
Well, anyway, I am back at Choices-Uk. I started work at the Millfield branch under the understanding that I would be given a 25 hour contract. All fair and well I would have need this to be able to afford transport costs etc. The gits have only gone and given me a 15 hour contract. I am forced into a situation I don't much like. I can't just quit, other wise I will not get any money to live on off social security. Fun and fucking games.
If it rains, it certainly pours.. I lost the job at the Chippie before I even started.. Damn that has to be a record.
Oh well, I shall just have to sign on and look for a full time job else where. Perhaps this is the push I need to break out of the cycle of retail. And actually put my skills to some use. I lack confidence, so my step father says. For once I agree with him. It's almost as if beneath that crab like exterior of his, a heart does beat.
Hopefully, because Choices made me redundant, I shall then at least get J.S.A .
There is something in the air at the moment, it tugs and pulls, it weaves and snakes. Could it be change? Time for a new image... I'm so used to being lazy with my appearance and wearing what ever feels comfortable at the time. Perhaps I should put a bit more effort in, even if that does mean fitting into certain groups. Goths, emos, alternative etc....
Nice black boots and a selection of Foamy tshirts. Along with some decent black cargo trousers. Oh, and of course, eyeliner. Just need to work on a jacket to go with this. This is going to cost, and so it should. It will make a change for me to spend money on clothes instead of shite that, I don't really need.
I need to learn to grasp the values of temperance.
So, what's gone on recently? Much - yet at the same time hardly anything; the same old monotonous approach in life. Ok, so I have had more of a social life recently than normal. Yet what has truly come of it? I still feel just as disjointed. It's clearly not a patch on what used to go on with Jody and Gemma, Sunbird and James etc.
I really do hope that Claire comes through with her ideas and such. She rang recently to see about getting a group together for ritual study and practice. Perhaps it's what I need to spark stuff off again.
Work? Well what can I say. It's actually quite amazing that I am still at choices. There is many a time that I feel like giving it in. Thankfully, the empirical values of having worked at Sainsbury's is there to shed a alternative perspective on the matter.
There are days that I feel used working at Choices. There are days though that the staff make it worthwhile. I would honestly miss Stuart, Lesley, Jody and so on, if they were to leave.
The bitching behind peoples backs needs to stop though. I am so a culprit for it and need to layoff it.
March 21st or there abouts heralds the sabbat of Ostara a neo-pagan celebration. It marks the point astrologically when the earth is at a vernal-equinox. When the light of the day and dark of the night are once again in equal length. What does this mean exactly, to me? I call my self neo-pagan, and have done for a good three or so years now. Yet there is so much I am blind to, and so much that is not formed. Where does Ostara fit into the paradigm of my life?
Ok so apart from the monotonous, work, eat and sleep. Something interesting actually took place today. I had the chance to meet a friend from online, who I have been talking to for the last 4 to 5 years, Woodlandfae Even with having chatted to Fae for so long, I still felt nervous before meeting up....
There was no need for it though, I felt completely fine with her. :) I also felt fine with Skinnyhead, the friend traveling with her. They came down to peterborough to visit the cathedral, and take piccies....
I have been resident in Peterborough all my life, yet it took today for me to experience parts of the cathedral that I have never explored. I really should have more of a greater understanding of my own back yard; so to speak.
Oh just to let those that have been reading my LJ know. I got the job I applied for. It is working in retail again, some what easier then sainsburys. I am a sales assistant in a choices-uk store. They seriously ended up annoying me today though.
I should have turned my mobile phone off for the day. I did tell them I wanted monday off and would not be avaliable for overtime. They took no bloody notice though.
I guess the stubborn git that I am, should book a doctors appointment; why? Well just recently in the last month I hurt my ankle. I thought nothing of it and didn't rest it up. The pain went away. Only to return every so often.
It is very much like a sharp stabbing pain. As if I was stepping on a nail.
Oh, I have a job interview tomorrow, :D woot woot woot. << Yes I know how sad.. Still I am not going to fuck this up. Get up, go to town, apply for clothing grant. Get ready shit, shower and shave. Go for interview. Imagine person in thier underwear. Must tell hands not to fidgit.
Ok after ring work placement and shackletons and give my excuses.
Here we are in the habitat of Jody William Hoffman, a 25 year old lad from the United Kingdom. As we closely observe, we can see something that hence forth shall be called. "The Ebil Germ Thingy" This Ebil Germ Thingy infects its prey and causes congestion, tension, fatigue and lethargy. The victim becomes sensative to light and sound, and huddles deep in a blanket... "grrr grufff rrrrrr" Speaks the victim. Roughly translated to "grrr grufff rrrrrr"
So apart from the great adventures of The Ebil Germ Thingy.... I have been downloading lots more shounen ai :D *Double woot* Plus a anime series called Monster that is completely awsome.
"Tis the season to be jolly..." Let me just rephrase that.. "Tis the season to, murder the family"
Yule was a disaster for me. Still at least claire rang me up to wish happy solstice. It is christmas day and all is quiet, not even a mouse is stiring. Fat chance of that.. I can fully understand why my parents are the way they are each year now.. Every one else in the family dumps on them.
Take your FUCKING responsibilities else where.
Every thing gets left to the last moment as well. I don't remember a year where I haven't had to clear part of the house up christmas morning.